Thursday, October 29, 2009

On the road again

I’ve been doing a bit better about waking up feeling rested and not needing to crash in the middle of the day. Of course, this is in part due to two cups (mugs) of coffee every morning. I didn’t have milk yesterday and so I had to forgo the caffeine, and by 12:30 pm I was in full-on zombie mode. Luckily it was my conference period so truly for about two hours I was just spacing out. That’s really a horrible feeling, you know!? Such torture. You’re not comfortable enough to sleep or stay awake.

I’ve had a lot of people ask me if I’m teaching, and I guess I’ve been keeping secrets (I love secrets). I’m subbing right now as I finish an alternative certification program. The more I’m in the classroom the more I realize this is such the right thing for me to be doing. I feel as though throughout my life I always come to forks in the road and choose to go left when I should go right. Usually the journey still has its memorable moments, and wonderful friends are always met, but about halfway I realize I should have gone a different route. This has happened many, many times. A few years ago I faced this fork, and chose to go to seminary rather than go into teaching. I can honestly say that from the very beginning I knew I had made the wrong decision. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy learning, and some of the professors, and the people I met, but from the very start I knew that my “ministry” would not take place in a church. So I pondered social work, and thankfully I lived with two social workers, because while they loved what they were doing I knew that wasn’t exactly what I wanted either.

And so two years later…nearly three really…I’m back where I started. But this time I know where I want to be (with friends and family and in the city) and where I’m going. And it’s such a good feeling. It’s a peace I haven’t felt for truly more than 3 years. I think the constant feeling of anxiety was part of my everyday life, and it only caused concerned when, say, I couldn’t sleep for days straight or I had massive panic attacks.

Throughout high school I had it in my head I was going to be a teacher, then my senior year I started having a lot of doubts and became very indecisive. This indecisiveness stayed with me through college (hello, I changed my major 13 times). All that to say, I have not felt doubt or anxiety to the level I had grew accustomed to during these last few months. I have only felt affirmation by being in the classroom, and encouragement from friends and family. Of course, my mother always new this is what I would end up doing (how do mothers always know?)

Post to come soon about my training for my first two back-to-back half marathons!


rena said...

You're so full of secrets! But I'm glad you're finding your way, and I love that your mom said that to you! WHen I started teaching, mama sims was like "remember that time you wanted to be a teacher and you didn't like it....REMEMBER?! But go ahead..." and when i quit she was like "I knew it."

Jackie said...

That is seriously MY story! I always wanted to be a teacher, then my senior year I changed my mind! After graduating and trying 3 different careers I realized I was meant to be a teacher too! Congrats on your decision, you will make a fab teacher, just like your mom!

Meredith said...

Moms know everything.
Also, TWO halves?! I want to hear about it! I'm training for the Philly half right now--Nov 22!

Laura said... are a super secret keeper friend! I think that will help you out when you work with a bunch of women! I am SO glad that you are enjoying this! I feel like we had a conversation about this like 3 or 4 years ago and I told you I thought you would be a WONDERFUL teacher! I still agree! I can't wait to see where you end up working and with what age you will work with! Wherever you are, I know you will make an impact on kids lives! It really is a fun profession, as well as meaningful. I am quite fulfilled in my job with my 3rd graders!

Melissa-D said...

That sounds like me. I graduated with a PR degree. Then right after college I started subbing and got my AC certificate. Teaching is a good job...hard and frustrating at times, but good. You will make a great teacher!